Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Arranged Vs. Love

Love marriages are like fairy tales, they just seem so much right-a-thing-to-do. Two individuals meet, fall in love, spend some time together (can stretch from days to years) and on basis of their own judgement, tie the knot.

Makes perfect sense.
Or so I thought.

A friend of mine who is in a love marriage recently told me that there is no better a marriage than an arranged marriage. coming from her, this was surprising. On further prodding from me, she told me the reason behind this.
She said that while she was happy to have found the guy she loves and its great to have settled down with him. There is an increased responsibility on both of them to make the marriage a success, bcoz unlike an arranged marriage, here they have no one to blame if it goes sour.

The rationale is that while parents reluctantly do give their acceptance towards a love marriage these days, it comes with a clear clause. "Do not come back to us if it doesn’t work".

An arranged marriage, on the other hand, is like baptism by fire. Two strangers meet via a third party (relatives, matrimonials etc.) get very limited opportunities to talk and figure each other out, and then pronounce their verdict.

One of my friends recently had an arranged marriage, he and his lady went out to CCD for two hours n talked, came back home to their families, and said yes!. Freaks me out, hell, I cant even become friends with someone in two hours. Let alone going the matrimony way. I have, since that time, kept on wondering, what would you possibly know about a person in two hours to entrust yourself for your life??

But then arranged marriages are like stock markets. you enter at a high risk, figure out your way, invest (through your emotions, hell… you invest your life!!!) and wait for the boom. If it blooms, its beautiful, and if the bubble bursts.. well… you have your folks to shout back and say "this was your choice!!"

Another point here is that arranged marriage is an unexplored territory. You enter into it without knowing whats in store for you.. and once you are in it, you explore… you figure out the likes, dislikes, the comforts of your spouse.
My friends who have gotten into love marriages say that while marriage is the natural step to take once in love, there is something missing all the time, which only arranged marriage can provide.
What he essentially meant was that in he knew everything that was there to be known about his girl before they went the matrimony way, so marriage was only a way to solemnize their relationship… he still says that marriage has not changed anything in their relationship.. there is very little excitement vis-à-vis arranged marriage.

I know.. being in love is beautiful… but u will (god willing) fall in love in an arranged marriage too.. sooner or later.. what say?

I am wondering why I am saying all this… I still have time :).. just sharing some thoughts with u all..
So given a choice… what will you go for?


SwAThi.... said...

I think the choice is not left entirely on is sometimes destiny's work which changes the course of our life....So u never know wts in store for u tomorrow...Nice post Btw..

mishti said...

oyee kaake...inne saare awards mile tuje.....Sahiiii :-) i got so Happy :-)

btw, about 'marriage', i dont have anything to say - main to abhi bachchi hun hehehe :P

nice posts btw :-)

RADhika said...

it is all about the views of two individuals, which could match in 2 hours or could take as long as 2 years... or else, what would you call "falling in love in first instance"..or "pehli nazar me pyar"...?! for that also you don;t really know a person...

In fact, we don't fall in love only because we know a person for so long..there are so many such people whom we know, yet don't love 'em all.. we fall in love when we know that we are missing someone like him/her in our life...
which can happen anytime...!

AND... (phew!!!don't worry, am almost done..!) is it just a co-incidence that i have a very similar post ready in word...was thinking to post it...

But, yours is indeed a good post..! :)

vitruvian said...

the kind of societal background we come from marriage seems more of a necessity than a choice.
why love..why arranged...why marry at all???
the concept of arranged marriage makes it imperative for US to 'find' somebody or let our parents quietly do the needful.
but this system is a wise one in the sense that I believe life is not meant to be lived out alone...supposing this concept didn't exist in society then a lot more people would remain unmarried.

as for me...I'm going the modern trodden path..If I'm not in love with someone by a particular age...well my parents arrange a match for me..
wot say??

Zee said...

u're marriages are as scary as arranged marriages for different reasons u've mentioned! but rather a known one than an unknown one...

Neeku said...

Dude, these my wrestling thoughts, too !

I personally think the probablity of having happy married life is like tossing an unbiased coin in the air... 50% Sweet 50% Sour... just like 50% heads %0% tail...

some are blessed and some cursed... but then its up to us... whether we quit or keep and attempt to make best of it ...for kidz and family...

phew... I hope I am lucky at it... AM or LM....

Nice blog .. I think I going to add you up. And Glad to know that you are Gujju too... YAY ! n

Rahul... in City of Dreamz said...

@Swathi: I dunno.. i am not much of a believer in destiny.. i like to know(and do) things that are in my control.. again.. so that i have no one to blame.. no even destiny! Welcome to my blog though :)

@Mishti: OOH!!! am i dreaming or her royal highness actually left a comment on my blog??
Aur haan.. tu to perennial bacchi hai :)
Welcome to my blog.. (Ek saal ke baad bol raha hoon)

@Radhika: I can agree with "pehli nazar mein pyaar", but pehli nazar mein shaadi???

would like to read your post and know your side of story though. Thanks :)

Rahul... in City of Dreamz said...

@Vitruvian: Yes! i agree! marriage is important.. and that is why its great that in our culture we have this "provision" of an arranged marriage. No one should have to lead their lives alone..

and the funda of modern trodden path rocks.. but do let us know when u find the lucky chap! :)

@Zee: hmmm... but u havent mentioned.. what are u gonna go for?? Ask "the boy" and tell me :)

Rahul... in City of Dreamz said...

@neekuben aka ariel (rite?) - am adding you too.. :)..

and you will be lucky... LM or AM.. good things happen to good people (yeah.. i have been reading your blog) :)

Thanks n keep coming :)

Keshi said...

arranged or love marriage, married or not, what matters is that there is LOVE in the r'ship.



Ankit said...

AHa the age old debate.... I believe in love marriage may be its just a phase coz 2 years back i was a supporter of arrange marriage

Aphrodite said...

nice post...wld definitely go for someone i choose over a random-third-party-deciding-my-partner type marriage...even if i got introduced by someone else..i wdnt tie the knot before i had known the person for at least one year...nd at the end of the day its love and respect for each other that matter most in a relationship more than anything else...wht say??

Mez said...

Good subject
Scary question
Interesting proposition
Too many answers
Highest level of subjectivity
Too many judgments
Lost as I am

I was a firm believer in love marriages. Mind you ‘was’…always used to talking like –Omg! How can u even think of an arranged marriage.It’s such a gamble. Errrrr how can anyone decides their life partner within a matter of few meetings.

But alas, things changed…Love proved fatal, gory….Love marriages now seem thing of the past or for just few lucky ones. And now I am gradually getting accustomed to the idea that Arranged marriages might be good too. But hell, I am shit scared of it & still would vote for love marriage provided there is one man in this world who proves that he is a nice loving guy for eternity.

Times have changed but my thoughts are still idealistic. No place for me in the love marriage arena, I guess.

divya said...

um this tpic was in my mind too :P

In spite of everything u mentioned i would still go for love marriage :) ( of course with the approval of parents :P)

Ashu said...

hmmmmmmmmmmmm, have said a lot on this on my blogs. i support love marriage, if no choice wid marriage, given a choice, i d prefer a no marriage situation

Rahul... in City of Dreamz said...

@Keshi: Very True indeed.. but love... ah... thats a rare commodity.. :)

@Ankit: and the reason for the shift is??? Anyway.. welcome to my blog :)

@Aphrodite: hmm.. now you have added to what keshi said.. first love.. then respect... lets see what more is expected.But i do agree with you.. but that happens only in a utopian world :) ... thanks for visiting :)

@Mez: Dont say that Mez! There will be that special someone in ur life too... bcoz i know how much u believe in love, its only fair that you get what you deserve. Love is what you will definately get.. thru a love marriage or an arrnaged one.. well thats the big question... Amen.. for everything you aspire from life :)

@Divya: ahaan ... you cant have your cake n eat it too... :) .. one smart answer eh??

@Ashu: No Marriage situation is not applicable for anyone.. bcoz we all do want to have that special someone in life.. but the big question is till when will you keep searching for that love?

Mez said...

I hope so too. Do participate in the poll on my blog.

freesherry said...

i guess i'll just let life takes its course and surprise me.. i mean.. I am 20 and I am not in love with anyone but who knows.. tomorrow I might meet someone I would fall for head over heels and would know that he would be the one i'll live the rest of my life with
on the other hand I might never get that chance and would end up getting into an arranged marriage (of course to a guy I choose) and then i'll just have the rest of my life to figure him out..
so whatever it might be.. i just hope it works out in the end :D

gunj said...

boy that is prolly d most difficult question ive been made to think of in my life!!
it haunts me many a times... n i still dnt f((^&%^ knw what to choose!
makes me wanna cry more so coz im d most indecisive gurl on earth!!
hindi mein bolu to meri life mein lagne wali hai bigtime!!

Solitaire said...

This debate never ends does it? I hate the concept of an arranged marriage.

I like what the Westerners do. Pick your own partner when you meet them. No age bar, no hassles about parents not agreeing, dowry, etc etc. And no pressure to marry at a certain age and be afraid that all the good ones might be taken if you don't marry by 30 or something.

I say that because I have had several family members and friends who have had arranged marriages and the marriages have ended in a divorce. Not because the parties did not compromise. But because of dowry issues, mental disorders, physical ailments, all hidden from the spouse prior to the marriage.

Love marriage or arranged marriage..? They both have its pros and cons. I think in the end the two people marrying should be happy and that's all that matters.

Ashu said...

heck, i dont want tht special osmeone, koi bhi normal banda chalega who is matured and sensible, but there arent any

Chakoli said...

My first visit ot ur really interesting it seems...
a debate which is continued since ages...

I guess irrespective of love/arrange marriages are like stock never know...which way they run.....

I have seen many love marr being unsuccessful and many aarnge marr its just.... wait and watch agme:-0)))

Alok said...

I would still prefer love marriage. The reason? there are lots of them.

I don't want to write a huge comment, but I have searched around on the net a bit and have found this fact: Marriage as an institution was established as a way to handle the flow of money and wealth. Not about the two beings involved, but about what they owned. Arranged marriage has always been and will keep on representing this fact. That is disgusting to me. Is life about money and power? Nope. It's about achieving what you want to achieve (and of course surviving long enough to reproduce).

Your friend says that love marriage is bad because there is no one else to blame? I think that is one of the best things about it. It's your choice, and you have to deal with it, not just sit around blaming your parents and others. It helps your love grow stronger because that love is yours and nobody else's.

About the "Discovering" thing, it is true. I agree. But taking such a huge chance, for excitement and suspense? Not my cup of tea.

I believe that we fall in "love" because we want to, it's more of a natural instinct. And instincts help us survive. I trust my instinct. And hence I won't accept an arranged marriage, never.

Rahul... in City of Dreamz said...

@Mez: Yup! Done that long back ;)

@Freesherry: I like your point of view… atleast you are open to both the ideas.. whatever happens.. it will happen just the way you want it to be.

If love happens.. nothing like it… but if it doesn’t.. then life is not that bad too… way to go gal :)

@Gunj: Tujhe kya tension hai? tu mast reh.. let things unfold by themselves and at the end of the day you will find that it was worth the wait… abhi to vaise kaafi hai na?

@Solitaire: hmmm… but about the fact that the "Westerners" also have the highest rates of divorces… what I wanted to convey is that don’t get into a love marriage just for the heck of it… coz arranged marriage can also give the same happiness and stability too…

after all .. happiness matters!! (We both are confused.. I know ;))

@Ashu: haaan! simple funda in life leads to no problems… matured.. sensible… and u forgot to add one more thing… loving??

@Chakoli: And this wait n watch game is tantalizing… requires lots of patience :) .. Welcome to my blog :)

@Alok: Arre bhai… Past ko present aur future se compare mat kar… you actually think that these days too marriage is all about money n wealth? I beg to differ… its more than that… and my friend didn’t say that love marriage is "bad", he just said that love marriage is a far bigger challenge … coz you are responsible for your own actions…

and you are again confusing both the ideas.. no one gets into an arranged marriage bcoz of discovering.. its just a thought.. that’s all..

Welcome to my Blog :)

Alok said...

I would like to believe that money and power doesn't matter anymore, that it is all about the two people involved, about their choices, but it isn't. I'm not talking about marriages in cities, in urban, educated areas like Mumbai, but the nuptial knots that are tied in the villages in India...

I have seen marriages made for these very purposes, and it angers me. However, as you said, if the two people are happy, it's good. I just answered your question whether I would prefer a love marriage or an arranged marriage.

But what about the many women who are abused everyday in the name of dowry? What about those women who are forced to marry some drunkard who is the son of some rich businessman? These things happen and will continue to happen if we assume they're absent.

You've written that your friend said "there's no better marriage than arranged marriage", and I'm against that. The statement itself says that your friend believes that love marriage is inferior to arranged marriage. I gave my reasons why I didn't like the opinion.

About the "discovering" thing, yes, it was just a thought, and maybe I did confuse it with the purpose of arranged marriage. But what I said was that there's no way you can justify arranged marriage with a bleak possibility that the people involved will have fun discovering each other and then like what they find.

Rohan said...

Life is not about short-cuts,
It's about facing all the problems, difficulties, challenges, sadness and still having the strength to stand up and face some more.
Marriage is about allowing someone to share these challenges with you and vice-versa.
I was in love and in a relationship for 5 years,
I thought it would go the distance,
I thought we were made for each other and that nobody can ever split us up.
I was sooo wrong and our relationship went sour.....
Today I am still a firm believer of Love Marriages.
They say it's better to have loved and lost rather than never loved at all...
I too have many friends that tell me arranged marriage is really amazing and what not....
I just tell them they haven't known the power that love can grip you by.
Love is something truly special, and to settle for anything less than that (like in the case of arranged marriages) is injustice to you and her.
It will be a life of compromise...not a life of equals.

But yes, even i have of now i can only hope and pray i get the girl of my dreams...


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